So, I have been trying to turn over a new leaf.  That is, after all, the motivation behind my New Year Mantra.  I purposely created a mantra that is a bit open-ended rather than giving me specific concrete steps of action.  This goes against the thinking that goals really only work when they are measurable, but my mantra is not really a goal.  Rather, it is meant to be a way to live.  It also gives me some flexibility, so that I can tackle different things when it feels right to do so rather than being forced to "exercise for 30 minutes" or "go to bed by 10" every single day.  If there is one thing I learned about myself, trying to do the exact same thing every single day often stresses me out.  Routines are great, but I am not good at keeping precise schedules.  This has made life with a baby interesting.

That being said, I LOVE lists.  Over the course of the last month, I have made several lists.  This is weird, right?  I mean, it is really weird for someone who is so unorganized.  But as I have already established, I am probably the strangest Type A personality that you will ever meet.  I'm not your average A.  My goodness.  Maybe that should be the name of this blog.  I am going to write that down in my idea journal.  Actually, I don't really have an idea journal.  Not yet, anyway.  But I did come up with the idea to create an idea journal, and if I had that journal, I would write both of these ideas in it.   

Back to my lists.  I created a list of my work tasks that I need to tackle each week.  I started strong with this the first couple weeks in January, and then I lost my motivation.  But now I am back at it.  I find that having that list in front of me helps me get started on things.  Too often, when I have a short amount of time free, I can't seem to wrap my head around what I should be doing.  This list prompts me.  Plus it feels damn good when I cross something off of it.  The challenge is not to overreach because it is extremely frustrating to see a lot of tasks that are not crossed off yet.  To allow for some leeway, I think it's okay for a few items to be pushed back to a second week as long as the majority of the items are completed.  But if I have more than three items that are repeats or if the items are still there after a second week, it's time for me to reevaluate what I am doing.  So far, I have had to reevaluate quite a bit.  

Another list that I created was my "nagging list."  I got this idea from The Happiness Project.  This list became overwhelmingly long.  The number of tasks that I have been putting off is rather embarrassing.  It's funny how a simple task can become so dreaded simply because you have been putting it off.  For me, part of the problem is that when I delay doing something so basic, I have to deal with the guilt of not having done it yet.  Apparently, I would rather push the guilt away and delay a task even longer (which ends up resurfacing with ongoing pangs of guilt every time I remember the task) instead of just dealing with the guilt for the amount of time it takes for me to get the task done (which is usually not very long).  Yes, I would rather let myself suffer with the ongoing pangs of guilt that pop up all the time rather than face the guilt head on for a period of time and then get that amazing feeling of accomplishment once I get to cross it off my list.  This is pretty messed up.  But it's true.  From thank you notes to Christmas cards to birthday gifts - I am terrible with all of these things.  As for my nagging short list, I took care of some of the tasks, but I am still working on many.  And by "working on" I actually mean I am still putting them off.  I am the Queen of Procrastination.  To help me, I decided to make a "My Nagging Short List," which includes no more than 10 items.  Once those are crossed off, then I will revisit my long list. 

I also created a "To Do" list to help me get ready in the mornings.  I found that getting myself ready for work and my little one ready for daycare to be more challenging than I ever expected.  As I pack, I have 6 bags plus a 20lb baby to carry.  "Six bags, really?" you ask.  Yup.  Here they are:

1. My work bag

2. My pumping bag

3. My lunch bag

4. My freezer bag for milk and baby's lunch and snack

5. My diaper bag

6. My daycare supply bag

Can I combine some of these? Probably.  But I am not organized enough for that. Right now, each bag is full, and I can't imagine not packing every single thing that is in those bags.

Throw in winter coats, hats, boots, and mittens (if I remember them, that is), and we have our very own version of Nightmare on Elm Street every morning.  Minus the knives, blood, and killing.  Okay, that was a really bad metaphor.  Let's just say the mornings include me running around like a mad person, cursing my husband under my breath about how he does nothing to help me, and despite every effort, we are still about 20 minutes late.  By the time I get everything and us in the car, I am ready to call it a day, and we haven't even gone anywhere yet.
 

For this week, I have created a super short list to try to motivate myself back into good habits:

1. Get up early.

2. Go to one yoga class.

3. Read and write something every day.

4. Cross something off of my Nagging To Do Short List.

I did get up early (between 5:45 and 6:15) every day except for today and yesterday (Friday and Saturday).  I feel a little irked with myself about that.  I have a lot to do today, but I need to let that go and move on (letting go and moving on are two things that are REALLY hard for me to do.)  I did read and write something every day - even if it was just a little bit.  So, I should feel good about that.  I did cross one thing off of my Nagging Short List.  One thing is good, but I need to do better because there are nine things left, and that is just my short list.

So, what about yoga?  Oh, yoga.  How I miss you.  I have been wanting to get myself back to my yoga studio, but the thought of adding another bag to that list above so that I can shower and change for work is way too overwhelming.  I live too far away to go back home in between yoga and work.  I realized yesterday that the only way I am going to make it to the studio is if I get myself up for a 6am class during the week or to get myself up for a morning class on the weekend.  I have been enjoying our family weekend mornings, so this has not been an appealing option, but I think I need to just make myself do this.  I was going to try to go to a 6am class yesterday, but I was tired.  And cold.  The thought of crawling out from my warm and snugly bed was too much to bear.  So, I went back to sleep instead.  Today, I thought I would go to the 8:30am class, but again, I couldn't drag myself out of bed.  Confession:  I didn't even set my alarm.  I was so tired and grouchy last night, that I thought it was best to just let myself wake up - or let my daughter wake me up - when it was time.  The idea of the drive alone was exhausting.  Note to self:  we need to buy a house that is no more than 10 minutes from my yoga studio.  Maybe next week, yoga.

As for my work list, I crossed off 4 1/2 out of the 10 things on my list.  I REALLY need to reevaluate myself here.  In my defense, I attended meetings and volunteered for tasks that I don't normally have - so I actually did get more done than I intended.  So, I am going to cut myself a little break here.  I should actually hurry up and add those things to my list, just so I can cross them off.  Come on, like you've never done that before.  Anyone who has ever made a To Do List has totally done that at some point.

Okay, so the old me would hit the save button and then revisit this post in about a week.  The new me is going to do a quick read and publish and move on.  I have already hit save twice (I started this post earlier this week), and it is time to put this baby to bed.  I know people put books to bed...can we put blogs to bed too?  Well, guess what?  I just did.

How is it possible that it is almost one month since I last posted on here?  How is it possible that it is February 16 already?  Since my last post, we celebrated our daughter's first birthday.  More on that a little later.  That was quite a milestone, and so that deserves its own post.  We are almost two months in to 2016, and so now seems like a good idea to reflect on how I am doing with my New Year mantra:  Release, Create, Be Curious.

Release.  I am still releasing what I do not need.  This is a work in progress, and I may not release everything I need to this year. But I am trying.  I started out purging a lot of things I do not need, but I have since stalled.  Purging takes time, and time is not something I have a lot of these days.  Mentally, I also need to do better.  I still get upset about silly things, and I hold on to anger when I should really let it go.  I need to make time to meditate and to clear this mental clutter, but right now I am barely finding time to read for pleasure, and I am not finding time to write.  I need more hours in my day.  I need to make more hours in my day.

Create.   To create, I need time and mental energy.  I have not had either of these lately.  The answer?  Rise early.  Meditate. Create.  In order to rise early, I need to go to bed early.  In order to go to bed early, I need to get my work done.  In order to get my work done, I need to be productive during the day.  In order to be productive, I need time to do things.  In order to have time, I need to be organized.  It all comes back to organization and time management.  Organization is hard for me.  And in the midst of all this, I want to have fun and be curious.  Is it possible to still be curious about life while also trying to manage your day into organized blocks of time?  Or will this attempt at time management block the possibility of beautiful wonder entering my life? "We tend to make the thing in the way," Mark Nepo wrote in The Book of Awakening.  I make a lot of things that are in my way.  I wish I would stop creating barriers and instead create things that open my heart and bring me joy.  I am working on it.

Be curious.  And how am I doing with my year of curiosity?  Well, I am trying to remember to be curious.  Stop knowing.  Stop trying to guess what will happen and how it will all play out.  Stop scripting out how I think things are likely to go.  What a waste of time and energy (and time and energy is what I desperately need the most right now).  "Playing out" the possibilities of the future is not only a waste of time and energy, but it is also sucking out my desire to create because I am "creating" these scenarios that may or may not happen in the future.  Trying to predict the future is like trying to catch sand in your hands.  The more you try to grasp it, the more you lose.  Let the sand be where it is.  Put your blanket down and rest on it.  The sand will hold your body, but your body can't hold the sand.  I'm not really sure what I wrote there.  Does that make sense to anyone else?  Because it makes complete sense to me.  I didn't plan to write this, it just came to me, but I kind of like it (I think).  Is sand a metaphor for life?  Maybe.  I am going to take another piece of wisdom from Dr. Nepo and "be easily pleased."  I will just be happy that I created that sentence.  It's okay if it isn't a great sentence or if others think it's stupid.  I am pleased.  There.  I just created something.  And I was just easily pleased.  Boom.  Yay me.

In one of my favorite books, The Untethered Soul, Michael A. Singer says something simple, but powerful.  This isn't a direct quote (at least I don't think it is; I've read this book so many times it is possible that I memorized this passage), but here is the gist (I think):

Worrying about the future is like worrying whether the sun is going to rise in the morning.  You can worry all you want, but the sun will come up.  Life is going to keep on happening, and your thoughts have very little impact on the world.

This is reassuring and discouraging all at once.  If this is true, then we should all just stop worrying about everything because what is going to happen is going to happen with or without us.  On the other hand, what about the power of positive thinking?  I always was a believer in positive energy.  I also worry that this thinking can prevent people from doing good things.  Most good deeds are the result of genuine human concern.  If I am concerned, I want to do something to make a difference.  Is concern and worry the same thing?  Does positive thinking and hope have little impact on the world?  Does it actually have little impact on me?

I am going to cherry pick right now.  I am going to say that worrying is a waste, but concern is good.  Concern is being aware, and awareness (as Dr. Singer suggests) is key for achieving enlightenment.  I can't worry about what will be or not be, but I can be concerned, and I can use this concern to do good things.  These things may not change the world, but they make even the smallest difference in someone's day...maybe even in my day.  My thoughts may not impact the world, but my positive thinking may change my mood and attitude, which may affect someone else's mood and attitude.  My positive thinking might even replace some of the worry and negativity that existed before.  Wishful thinking?  Maybe.  But why not?  Dr. Singer didn't say anything about wishing be bad.  Or is wishing the positive version of worrying?  Okay, my mind is spinning.  Keeping things simple is another one of my unofficial New Year's Resolutions, which I am failing miserably at following right now.

Okay, for the sake of simplicity, here it is:

Wishing and positive thinking are connected to hope.  The archaic definition of hope is trust, which means the belief that something or someone is good.  I believe in the good in this world.  When my thoughts carry me away, which they inevitably will, I will do my best to think about all that is good.  Although our thoughts may have very little impact on this world, our awareness and positive thinking may just motivate us to take action, and our actions can create all the difference in this world.

Double BOOM.

Once again, this post took a completely different direction, but here it is.  I released some things that were in my head that I needed to say.  I created some sentences that are meaningful to me.  I allowed myself to be curious about my writing and let my writing develop as my heart spoke.  I am going to allow myself to be easily pleased with myself and to not be overly critical about what is here.  I will not spend hours editing and revising.  I will simply hit the publish button.